The Birds and the Bees

So how much do you know about the ‘birds and the bees’? If you had to have the ‘talk’ with your kids, what would you tell them ? If you already did, how much did you tell them? I would guess, it would depend on your own values and what you believe. But, really, how much do you know about the technical side of sex?

When I learned about sex in school, I didn’t learn much more than what happens at puberty in 6^th grade and what STDs were in 11^th grade. I learned a little in biology class about reproduction, but that was the extent of it. I learn some things from my parents and friends, but I really didn’t know a lot. Now, I’m not talking about ‘how’. I think most everyone can figure that out without being told, but that’s pretty much where we think we need to stop isn’t it? We seem to be under the impression that kids are going to do it anyway, so we tell them the ‘how’ when they’re a little younger trying to explain where babies come from and then when they are ‘old enough’, we either throw the ‘don’t do it till you’re married or find the ‘right’ person or are ‘in love’” speech or worse, get them birth control and tell them that if they’re not hurting anyone, anything is okay. Sex education is much like this (and I apologize if you have been forthright with your kids…): Let’s say your child has never ridden a bike before, so you take him to the top of the steepest hill, throw a helmet on his head, give him a quick ‘how to’ and push him down the hill. The thrill will be there at first, but soon that child will be going to too fast to keep under control and without enough knowledge and wisdom to know how to escape the situation without injury, will wipe out and come out on the other side hurt and broken. So we give our kids the quick, this is how you do it, it’s okay because it feels good and here’s some protection and push them off into the world. I read something recently that resonated with me. We aren’t teaching our kids anymore that sex makes babies. We’re teaching them that unprotected sex makes babies. Isn’t that true?

And sex makes babies. In fact, that is the primary function of sex. We wouldn’t be try so hard NOT to have a baby when having sex if this wasn’t true. I have had this argument with others that by saying that I am implying that people can’t have sex unless they want to conceive and that is not what I am saying at all! All I am saying is that sex makes babies, period. I say that because, whether the sex is good or not, a baby can be conceived. Babies are conceived during rape and incest. There does not have to be a good sexual experience for a baby to be conceived, so pleasure does not play a primary role in baby-making. In addition, any contraceptive method involves preventing conception - exactly what the word means. Condoms prevent sperm from entering the woman’s body and the pill does a variety of things from increasing mucus (preventing sperm form entering), preventing ovulation and thinning the lining of the uterus. If reproduction was not the primary function of sex, these would rarely be necessary. Women would probably only ovulate a few times a year. Instead, we have the chance each month to create a new human being. Secondary to procreation is the pleasure side of sex. Sex is definitely a pleasurable experience, but we have made that the primary function of sex and are surprised when our bodies actually conceive a baby when that was not our goal. That is what our kids are taught. Use a contraceptive and just enjoy sex with whomever, whenever you please and if you get pregnant, it wasn‘t supposed to happen, so we‘ll take care of the ‘problem‘.

I learned a lot while I was trying to get pregnant the first time - things I never knew before. Maybe these are things you didn’t know either and would be good if added to you ‘talk’ with your kids (older kids).

*You probably know that every woman releases one egg (sometimes more) each month. This egg only lives for 24 to 48 hours. When it is released from the ovary is different for every woman. Generally it is 14 days before the first day of the next period, but not always.
*That egg’s purpose is to be fertilized and start a new life, nothing more, nothing less. The sperms’ purpose is to fertilize an egg.
*Aside from the few days surrounding ovulation, there is a layer of thick mucus at the entrance of the cervix that allows little into the uterus. When ovulation occurs, this mucus thins to allow the sperm through. This is an indication of ovulation for those wanting to know.
*During this time, the female body releases hormones that increase sex drive for the woman. She won’t get pregnant without having sex and since that is the primary function of a woman’s reproductive system, her body will do what it takes to make that possible.
*When on the pill, most of them prevent ovulation from occurring by essentially tricking the body into thinking it is pregnant. The drive to reproduce in the human body is so strong that if the pill is taken later than the usual time, ovulation will occur. This is the reason for most pills having a secondary effect that thins the lining of the uterus so the resulting embryo will have no place to implant in the uterus
*The pill also increases cervical mucus to prevent passage of sperm into the woman’s body, but this doesn’t mean NO sperm will get through, just very few, but again the drive to reproduce is so strong, they will find a way
*So to the sperm - millions of sperm are released into the female’s body during intercourse. They travel quickly, taking 15 to 30 minutes to go the distance between the vagina and the fallopian tubes. Once there, they rest for 5 to 7 days and then die off.
*If ovulation occurs while the sperm are present in the fallopian tubes, the egg sends out a chemical signal that excites the sperm and they rush the egg
*Fertilization occurs when one sperm, in the right spot on the egg, breaks through the egg’s outer shell and then the genetic material join forming a brand new, distinct human being.

This is heady stuff isn’t it? It’s a tough thing for a woman my age to manage when TRYING to conceive much less for a teen who isn’t. Are we teaching these things to our kids? Especially the part about the increased sexual drive for a woman during ovulation? Are they responsible enough to have sex if they aren’t able to understand how it all works or to deal with the consequences? Our society tells kids, “If it feels good, do it“; to follow their feelings. Teens and college students are drinking, looking for someone to ‘hook up’ with and add to that the increased sex drive and it’s a recipe for an unplanned pregnancy. Birth control can curb those hormones for some, but not all. If a woman doesn’t take her pill at the same time every day, an egg will break through and even if sex occurred a few days before, pregnancy can happen because of those sperm waiting in the fallopian tubes.

What if kids knew this? I am not advocating sex before marriage. I will be teaching my kids abstinence, without question. It is the only 100% STD-free, pregnancy-free lifestyle choice. Sex is not a necessity and it can wait until marriage. But let’s look at a scenario. First, when I was 13, girls in my class were on the pill and having sex. Personally, I hadn’t even hit puberty yet, so it was all pretty foreign to me. But what if you had a 13 year old daughter and she wanted to have sex. You don’t want to deprive her the experience, so you get her on the pill. She’s 13. You have to remind her to do her homework and clean her room, to come home by dinner and now you expect her to take this pill faithfully, every day at the same time. She knows nothing about sex except the ’how to’ and ’safe sex’ stuff, so she takes the plunge. Being on the pill, she thinks she’s safe so they forgo a condom. 4 days later, she forgets to take her pill. Not knowing any of the information above, she doesn’t worry about it thinking it’s only a problem if you forget the day you have sex and goes about her merry way. 2 weeks later, she misses her period and now you have a pregnant 13 year old on your hands. Do you have her go through with the pregnancy and make very adult decisions and alter her future or take her to an abortion clinic to end the pregnancy thus increasing her chance of breast cancer by 800%, her chance of miscarriage and premature birth and saddle her with a guilty conscience? Hmmmm…. Yeah, I’m teaching my kids abstinence.