The Love of a Birthmother

Have you ever seen the movie ‘Juno’? It is one of my favorites and one that holds new meaning for me as a parent.  ‘Juno’ tells the story of a teenager who gets pregnant after ‘experimenting’ with a friend and seeks to find a family to adopt her baby.  It shows the thoughts and dreams of a birth mom in a poignant manner.  

On February 1 of this year, my daughter was born.  It was a wholly different experience than the birth of my son.  This time, I was a bystander, taking pictures of her birth, standing by her as she was lying on the warming table and the first to hold her and give her a bottle.  My daughter is adopted.  She was unplanned by all parties involved, but an amazing blessing to all of us.  

As I shared with people that we were adopting, I was surprised that every person, stranger and friend alike, asked about the birth mom.  The assumption was always made that she was some young, irresponsible teenager, but that was not so.  This is the ‘stereotypical’ birth mom, but not necessarily always the case.  Birth moms come in all shapes, sizes and demographics.  Mine was already a mom.  She was a teen when she had her first child, but my daughter, her fourth, was not a ‘teen pregnancy’.  She was unplanned and the result of a lapse in insurance that caused her to be unable to have the tubal ligation after her last pregnancy she desired so she would not get pregnant again.  From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she knew this baby was not hers.  She hid the pregnancy for four months and then started seeking the right family.  We were not planning on adopting but had just been told that we were unable to have any more children after 4 years of trying to conceive.  We were told about this baby when the birth mom was 6 months along and finally met her a month later.  I was expecting a woman hellbent and ‘getting rid’ of this baby and spouting the typical ‘unwanted’ jargon, but what I found was a mom who wanted the best for her baby.  She had hopes and dreams for her and knowing she was unable to financially provide for those dreams, hoped to find a family who could.  She saw her herself as a surrogate for our family and wanted me as involved as possible.  So, I went to an ultrasound and was in the delivery room when my daughter was born.  Symbolically, I was able to cut the umbilical cord.  My daughter’s birth mom roomed next to me at the hospital and came and visited us, even holding our baby for a short time.  Though she didn’t express it to me, I was told that she was emotional when sharing her story to the nurses.  She struggled with her decision once she was home and back with her own kids.  She even wanted to see her again and keep up with her life, making sure she was well cared for and happy.  

This experienced has changed my perspective on birth moms in general - those who seek adoption and this who seek abortion.  How do we approach those who seek abortion? Do we tell them horror stories or condemn them? Do these women have hopes and dreams for their babies? I know how hard it is to go through a pregnancy full of shame and trepidation after watching my birth mom’s experience.  I saw how hard it was for her to go through labor for a child she would not take home, but I admire her immensely for her bravery and her sacrifice to bring my daughter into the world.  That kind of strength and fortitude is an act of love for another human being.  She had nothing to gain, yet gave it all to give this little one a life.

Juno is a great example of what it is like to be a birth mom.  Even though she knew she wasn’t keeping the baby from the start, it is still heartbreaking to give that baby up.  We should tread lightly with these beautiful women and help them to see the potential for their children and the bravery and strength they possess in giving another human being life because there can never be a purer act of love.

Survival of the 'Fittest'

Evolution and the Advent of Abortion on Demand

As I start this, I want to make it clear that I understand that abortion has been around for as long as humans have populated the earth. But there has been a very significant increase in abortion since evolution was accepted as a method of development for the many species of the world. There are some very interesting connections between certain people in our history that led to a thought process making abortion acceptable.


The idea of evolution was not originated with Charles Darwin. It was an idea that was already being postulated, but his studies and conclusion just solidified what scientists, looking for a way to disprove Creation, were already thinking as they began to explore biology and explain its origins. The most significant receiver of the information Charles Darwin conveyed was his cousin, Sir Francis Galton. Sir Francis Galton was a highly intelligent man, considered a ‘polymath' or ‘jack of all trades’ , and master of all. He was influenced strongly by an 18^th century pastor named Thomas Malthus, who was heavily involved in determining methods of population control, which included such ’necessary evils’ as infanticide, homosexuality, war, contraception and murder. Not surprisingly, Francis Galton’s pet subject was eugenics. In fact, he is called the ‘Father of Eugenics’. For those who may never had heard the term, eugenics refers to applied science or the bio-social movement which advocates the use of practices aimed at improving the genetic composition of a population, usually referring to human populations. In other words, eugenicists seek to ’purify’ the human race. Galton studied human genetics and was fascinated by inheritance of genes in the next generation. Darwin’s theories, especially that of ’survival of the fittest’, prompted Galton to adopt the idea of encouraging marriage between individuals with superior genes . He thought that abilities and intelligence could possibly be inherited characterstics and that, if they were, then society should encourage those with the best characterstics to marry and produce offspring like them. This, he hoped, wouldHumans differ from animals and plants in our ability to care for others and manipulate our environme produce more intelligent, productive people and reduce unintelligent, unproductive people. He studied what he called ’nature vs. nurture’ to determine if good character qualities were inherited or instilled. In his ideas about ’eugenics’ or the reproduction of people with ’good’ qualities, he proposed a plan to assign marks to families and encourage early marriage between those with the best marks to produce the best offspring. This reliance on ‘survival of the fittest’ lead to people like Hitler deeming Jews and others as ‘unfit’. Margaret Sanger, founder of Planned Parenthood, labeled poor and blacks as ‘unfit’ and sought to eliminated them through selective reproduction, contraception, forced sterilization and eventually abortion. In her own words, “Birth control must lead to a cleaner race.” (April 1932 Birth Control Review, p. 108). Margaret Sanger used both the theories of Galton and Malthus to develop her arguments for birth control in the early 1900s.

The problem with all of this is that one person is determining the destiny of another based on their own ideas of what is fit and unfit. The truth of the idea of ‘survival of the fittest’ is that it only applies to living things existing in the wild and not to humans.Humans differ from animals in our ability to care for others and manipulate our environments to be optimal for survival. ‘Survival of the Fittest’ is based on predator/prey relationships and environmental factors. As humans, if we believe this is true, that those who are ‘unfit’ (disabilities, unwantedness) should not be allowed to survive, we are becoming predators of our own kind. In the wild, a weak, disabled animal holds back the larger group and make them susceptible to danger from others who would seek to harm them. These members are often abandoned to fend for themselves and left to die. Environmentally, animals without the ability to hide from predators also become ‘unfit’ in that particular environment and don‘t survive to reproduce. Ironically, these are exactly the animals we take in.  Our zoos are filled with the 'unfit' of the wild. We have white tigers, albino deer, birds with missing wings and eyes, and the list goes on. Yet, human babies with disabilities, the wrong gender or just conceived at the wrong time are deemed 'unfit' and killed by the millions every year.

Evolution plays a role in another way. Evolution eliminates purpose from a person’s life. Purpose becomes defined by the person himself as he progresses through life. So, in theory, if evolution is true, then an abortion isn’t negating a life, only ‘potential’ life. Watching my own son from conception through his four years on this earth, I see that this is not true. He was born with a personality that I saw while he was still in utero. It wasn't potential, it was programmed. He is who he is because there was already a life programmed into him both physically and spiritually. To end his life would leave a gaping hole this world would miss as is true for every life that has been lost in the history of humanity.

We have not evolved, we were created with purpose and life. It’s a dangerous road to take when one person gets to determine whether another lives or dies based on their own definition of who is ‘fit’. It’s time we abandoned theories and anchored ourselves in truth.

A Letter to Pro-Choicers

Dear Pro-choicer,

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a picture of beauty and strength. You are a masterpiece of amazing design and perfection. Look at your hands; the joints, the individual fingerprints, the strength and abilities your hands can achieve. Your eyes have an amazing ability to see color, depth and detail. Your ears can detect even the slightest whisper and determine the direction it has come from and help you maintain your physical balance. Your throat contains two openings, one to your lungs and one to your digestive system with an organ called an epiglottis that prevents food and drink from going into your lungs and a larynx giving you your voice. Your tongue contains thousands of taste buds giving you the ability to taste and enjoy the food you eat. Your heart pumps several times each minute showing the signs of life, pushing life-giving oxygenated blood through your body, nourishing your organs, muscles, tendons and ligaments. Those parts keep you in motion, aiding in every move you make. Your bones give you structure and form and house the building blocks for the blood. Your lungs function perfectly taking in oxygen to oxygenate your blood and filtering out the by-product carbon dioxide. Your internal organs perform functions ranging from toxin filtration, to digestion, to waste elimination. Your reproductive organs are a wonder in and of themselves with the ability to bring pleasure and the continuation of human life. Your skin, the largest organ, protects your body from outside influences, yet also functions to remove toxins and regulate your body temperature. Your brain is a marvel all its own. Directing every function within your body, voluntary and involuntary. Directing emotions, abilities, talents, personality. Connecting to your spinal cord, that not only gives your body more form and structure, but contains amazing highways of nerves connecting your brain to every part of your body. Brain activity is almost constant, the termination of which shows the last vestiges of life. You are a wonder. A work of art. An amazing conglomeration of form and function. Not a product of random mutations, but a product of detailed plans for human kind by a perfect God.

Your body was formed in your mother’s womb. Your hands and feet formed by 8 weeks. Legs and arms by 10 weeks, with the ability to kick and move. Fingerprints formed between 12 and 16 weeks. Your eyes began forming at 10 weeks and finished at 22 weeks. Your inner ear began forming at 6 weeks and finished at 24 weeks so you could tell if you were right side up or upside down and the outer part of your ear began developing at 8 weeks. By 9 weeks all five of your senses were developed and you were able to react to outside stimuli like someone pressing on your mother’s belly. By 18 weeks, your ears had the ability to hear sounds from outside your mother’s womb. Your larynx formed at 6 weeks even though you would not be able to make a sound until air passed through them at birth. Your upper lip, joints and teeth began forming at 6 weeks as well. You were swallowing by 18 weeks. Your heart began pumping blood at 5 weeks, just a week past your mother’s missed period and developed into a the 4-chamber heart by 9 weeks.. By 8 weeks, blood was flowing through your plum-sized body . Your muscles were forming and by 10 weeks, all of your internal organs were formed and functioning. Your body began waste elimination at 12 weeks. Your reproductive organs formed at 10 weeks and over the next few weeks began differentiating based on your DNA and moving into place. Your skin began forming at 8 weeks and was capable of sensing touch by 18 weeks. Your brain went through amazing growth and development between 5 and 10 weeks and was completed by 12 weeks and the spinal cord began its development at 5 weeks. By 26 weeks, your brain developed its characteristic folds and grooves.

You are a marvel. A wonderful creation. A miracle. Your body began as a joining of two cells, that by themselves have no other function than to create a brand new human. Your DNA is unique, you are a one-of-a-kind creation, never to be duplicated. Your personality is your own, your talents unique to you.

In a world where everything breaks down and falls apart, your body went from nothingness to form and function in a very short period of time, programmed from the moment a cell from your mother and a cell from your father joined by an amazing chain of proteins called DNA. You are just like every other human being in human history, yet utterly unique. Without you, the world would never experience the talents, giftings and personality you bring to it.

Every human being that is created is equally as important as you are. Every talent, gift, personality programmed on the DNA of a fertilized egg is valuable and important and vital to the fabric of our society. If you are that important and your voice is that necessary, why do you feel that someone else’s is not? If every human being develops in the same way as you, what made it possible that you are standing alive on this earth today and some others are not? It is not that you were wanted, planned or chosen by human beings. It is that you are human. You have value. You are loved. You were created for a purpose. There is a plan for your life. You have something to offer. You were wanted, planned and chosen by the God who took the time to knit you together with His own touch. So was every one of the 52 million children who have died in abortion over the past 40 years.  .  What makes you so special? It is only that you are passionately loved by the Master and Author of the universe.  Notihing more, nothing less. 


Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

Psalm 139:13-16 MSG

Don’t overlook the obvious here, friends. With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn’t late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn’t want anyone lost. He’s giving everyone space and time to change.

2 Peter 3:9

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. ¹⁶ For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.
Deut 30:15-16

What is your choice?
　

'The Walking Dead' pro-life?

If you are not a fan of the 'zombie apocalypse' genre, you probably haven't watched AMC's new show, 'The Walking Dead'.  I'm honestly not a huge fan of zombies, but my husband is and since the show is light on zombie feasts and heavier on the survivors, I have been sucked in.  This week's episode was particularly good to me.  *Spoiler Alert* The running plot line involves a married couple who were separated in the beginning of the show and the husband was presumed dead. The wife, lonely and scared, found solace in the arms of her husband's best friend until her husband suddenly shows up, alive and well.  In the second season, she discovers that she is pregnant.  She refuses to tell her husband about it and the viewer is led to assume that her reluctance is because she believes it is her husband's best friend's baby.  In last night's episode, she sends the resident go-fer to town for some medical essentials,which I thought would be prenatal vitamins.  She then talks to one of the older gentleman in their camp about the fate of this child in a post-apocalyptic world, her real reason for her reluctance.  I expected a scene with a clothes hanger after that conversation.  The go-fer comes back with both the morning after pill and prenatal vitamins and tells her not to make her 'choice' alone.  She downs three morning after pills and promptly runs out of the camp to throw them up. Her husband finds the empty packages and goes to find her and 'the conversation' ensues. She still doesn't believe it is an ideal situation to bring a baby into, but he suggests that she doesn't know what the future will bring and that it's not fair not even giving the baby a chance. 

It was a surprising message to find in a tv show. It was a pivotal point on whether I would keep watching the show or not.  I think anyone would agree that a world infested with flesh-eating zombies in a horrible world to grow up in and the cries of a baby would put them in danger, but as the character pointed out, a new human should still be given a chance. Babies are born into less than ideal circumstances every day, but no matter what  the situation, he or she still has the chance to triumph over it and thrive. 

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The Birds and the Bees

So how much do you know about the ‘birds and the bees’? If you had to have the ‘talk’ with your kids, what would you tell them ? If you already did, how much did you tell them? I would guess, it would depend on your own values and what you believe. But, really, how much do you know about the technical side of sex?

When I learned about sex in school, I didn’t learn much more than what happens at puberty in 6^th grade and what STDs were in 11^th grade. I learned a little in biology class about reproduction, but that was the extent of it. I learn some things from my parents and friends, but I really didn’t know a lot. Now, I’m not talking about ‘how’. I think most everyone can figure that out without being told, but that’s pretty much where we think we need to stop isn’t it? We seem to be under the impression that kids are going to do it anyway, so we tell them the ‘how’ when they’re a little younger trying to explain where babies come from and then when they are ‘old enough’, we either throw the ‘don’t do it till you’re married or find the ‘right’ person or are ‘in love’” speech or worse, get them birth control and tell them that if they’re not hurting anyone, anything is okay. Sex education is much like this (and I apologize if you have been forthright with your kids…): Let’s say your child has never ridden a bike before, so you take him to the top of the steepest hill, throw a helmet on his head, give him a quick ‘how to’ and push him down the hill. The thrill will be there at first, but soon that child will be going to too fast to keep under control and without enough knowledge and wisdom to know how to escape the situation without injury, will wipe out and come out on the other side hurt and broken. So we give our kids the quick, this is how you do it, it’s okay because it feels good and here’s some protection and push them off into the world. I read something recently that resonated with me. We aren’t teaching our kids anymore that sex makes babies. We’re teaching them that unprotected sex makes babies. Isn’t that true?

And sex makes babies. In fact, that is the primary function of sex. We wouldn’t be try so hard NOT to have a baby when having sex if this wasn’t true. I have had this argument with others that by saying that I am implying that people can’t have sex unless they want to conceive and that is not what I am saying at all! All I am saying is that sex makes babies, period. I say that because, whether the sex is good or not, a baby can be conceived. Babies are conceived during rape and incest. There does not have to be a good sexual experience for a baby to be conceived, so pleasure does not play a primary role in baby-making. In addition, any contraceptive method involves preventing conception - exactly what the word means. Condoms prevent sperm from entering the woman’s body and the pill does a variety of things from increasing mucus (preventing sperm form entering), preventing ovulation and thinning the lining of the uterus. If reproduction was not the primary function of sex, these would rarely be necessary. Women would probably only ovulate a few times a year. Instead, we have the chance each month to create a new human being. Secondary to procreation is the pleasure side of sex. Sex is definitely a pleasurable experience, but we have made that the primary function of sex and are surprised when our bodies actually conceive a baby when that was not our goal. That is what our kids are taught. Use a contraceptive and just enjoy sex with whomever, whenever you please and if you get pregnant, it wasn‘t supposed to happen, so we‘ll take care of the ‘problem‘.

I learned a lot while I was trying to get pregnant the first time - things I never knew before. Maybe these are things you didn’t know either and would be good if added to you ‘talk’ with your kids (older kids).

*You probably know that every woman releases one egg (sometimes more) each month. This egg only lives for 24 to 48 hours. When it is released from the ovary is different for every woman. Generally it is 14 days before the first day of the next period, but not always.
*That egg’s purpose is to be fertilized and start a new life, nothing more, nothing less. The sperms’ purpose is to fertilize an egg.
*Aside from the few days surrounding ovulation, there is a layer of thick mucus at the entrance of the cervix that allows little into the uterus. When ovulation occurs, this mucus thins to allow the sperm through. This is an indication of ovulation for those wanting to know.
*During this time, the female body releases hormones that increase sex drive for the woman. She won’t get pregnant without having sex and since that is the primary function of a woman’s reproductive system, her body will do what it takes to make that possible.
*When on the pill, most of them prevent ovulation from occurring by essentially tricking the body into thinking it is pregnant. The drive to reproduce in the human body is so strong that if the pill is taken later than the usual time, ovulation will occur. This is the reason for most pills having a secondary effect that thins the lining of the uterus so the resulting embryo will have no place to implant in the uterus
*The pill also increases cervical mucus to prevent passage of sperm into the woman’s body, but this doesn’t mean NO sperm will get through, just very few, but again the drive to reproduce is so strong, they will find a way
*So to the sperm - millions of sperm are released into the female’s body during intercourse. They travel quickly, taking 15 to 30 minutes to go the distance between the vagina and the fallopian tubes. Once there, they rest for 5 to 7 days and then die off.
*If ovulation occurs while the sperm are present in the fallopian tubes, the egg sends out a chemical signal that excites the sperm and they rush the egg
*Fertilization occurs when one sperm, in the right spot on the egg, breaks through the egg’s outer shell and then the genetic material join forming a brand new, distinct human being.

This is heady stuff isn’t it? It’s a tough thing for a woman my age to manage when TRYING to conceive much less for a teen who isn’t. Are we teaching these things to our kids? Especially the part about the increased sexual drive for a woman during ovulation? Are they responsible enough to have sex if they aren’t able to understand how it all works or to deal with the consequences? Our society tells kids, “If it feels good, do it“; to follow their feelings. Teens and college students are drinking, looking for someone to ‘hook up’ with and add to that the increased sex drive and it’s a recipe for an unplanned pregnancy. Birth control can curb those hormones for some, but not all. If a woman doesn’t take her pill at the same time every day, an egg will break through and even if sex occurred a few days before, pregnancy can happen because of those sperm waiting in the fallopian tubes.

What if kids knew this? I am not advocating sex before marriage. I will be teaching my kids abstinence, without question. It is the only 100% STD-free, pregnancy-free lifestyle choice. Sex is not a necessity and it can wait until marriage. But let’s look at a scenario. First, when I was 13, girls in my class were on the pill and having sex. Personally, I hadn’t even hit puberty yet, so it was all pretty foreign to me. But what if you had a 13 year old daughter and she wanted to have sex. You don’t want to deprive her the experience, so you get her on the pill. She’s 13. You have to remind her to do her homework and clean her room, to come home by dinner and now you expect her to take this pill faithfully, every day at the same time. She knows nothing about sex except the ’how to’ and ’safe sex’ stuff, so she takes the plunge. Being on the pill, she thinks she’s safe so they forgo a condom. 4 days later, she forgets to take her pill. Not knowing any of the information above, she doesn’t worry about it thinking it’s only a problem if you forget the day you have sex and goes about her merry way. 2 weeks later, she misses her period and now you have a pregnant 13 year old on your hands. Do you have her go through with the pregnancy and make very adult decisions and alter her future or take her to an abortion clinic to end the pregnancy thus increasing her chance of breast cancer by 800%, her chance of miscarriage and premature birth and saddle her with a guilty conscience? Hmmmm…. Yeah, I’m teaching my kids abstinence.

The Bigger Picture

As the recent news and life story of Apple CEO Steve Jobs has been broadcast on the event of his death, it has been made well-known that he was the result of an unplanned pregnancy and a beautiful adoption story. We can see the impact that the loss of an individual could have on our society. On the pro-life side, we focus on the individual lives that are lost on a daily basis through abortion, but have we contemplated the bigger picture?

Back in June of 1926, my great-grandmother and great-grandfather got married. I don’t know the exact date of their wedding, but I do know that my grandfather, their first-born son, was born on February 10, 1927. It has been a rumor in our family that, perhaps, my great-grandmother was ‘with child’ when she married. She denied the idea and took the truth to her grave. Given that I don’t know the exact date of her wedding, I did a little research. Based on a June 1^st wedding and a honeymoon baby, my grandfather would have been due February 22 - he would have been 2 weeks early. Not unheard of, but put the wedding any later in the month of June and he gets more and more premature; something that, in 1927, was probably not an event a baby usually survived. There are no records that he was a premature baby either. My point to this is that, more likely than not, my great-grandmother conceived out-of-wedlock. In this day and age, she would have had the ’right’ to abort and may have. If the conditions were as they are now back in 1926 and she had aborted, it wouldn’t have been my grandfather that would have been the only casualty. My grandfather married my grandmother on 1949 and had 3 children together. Four grandchildren followed and then seven great-grandchildren (and counting…). So, let’s do a little math: 1 (my gf), + 3 (my dad and 2 aunts), + 4 (grandchildren, including me) + 7 great-grandchildren. This is a total of 15 people who would never have existed. Sounds like a small number, but these are people who are dear to me. They are my family.

So, what is the big picture in abortion? We have not just eliminated 54.5 million children since Roe vs. Wade. We have eliminated entire families. Let’s do another math problem. We’ll use the statistic that there is a 50/50 chance of having a boy or girl in every pregnancy and assume that there were 27,250,000 girls and the same number of boys and they would have married each other to make it easier to calculate. So now we have 27,250,000 couples. The average number of children for a couple is 2.2 children. To account for more or less children per couple, we’ll assume 2 children per couple. That is 54.5 million children. Add that to the number of their parents, who were aborted and that is 109 million people that have never existed. That is just parents and children. It does not take into account successive generations. That is astounding! Out total population in the US is 312,299,000. That 30% of our population, gone.

Some of you reading this may be thinking that it’s a good thing that none of those people existed because we couldn’t sustain all those people. First of all, population control is NO reason to kill any human being. Second, we are not hurting that much in our country. I go grocery shopping every week and there is plenty on the shelves. I also live in a place with lots of open space. We have room. Third, as a Christian I believe God told us to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’ He didn’t say to ‘multiply until you don’t think the population is sustainable and then start killing off the babies and old people.’ He told Abraham his descendents would be like grains of sand or the stars in the sky. Grab a handful of sand the next time you go to the beach and start counting. Or look up at the sky on a clear, cloudless night with no moon and start counting the stars. Impossible, right?

Abortion doesn’t just allow a woman to ‘control her destiny’ by removing  an impediment to that future. It takes a life and all the lives that would have come from that person. Each baby girl and baby boy has all the ‘equipment’ to produce new life before they are born. That genetic code will never be reproduced and the individuals who would have come from that person will never exist. Who are we eliminating? A person with the cure for cancer? A gifted artist? Look at Steve Jobs and imagine what the world would be without him. No, he didn’t create a product that fundamentally changed lives, but he was gifted and added something to the world it would not have had without him. That is something to think about.